Managing difficult relationships and conflicts in life can, at the time, seem like the most horrible thing in the world. It’s only horrible because, believe it or not, we are more peaceful than violent and we crave healthy and positive relationships with very minimal conflict. There are many different types of relationships that we enter into and within those relationships there are conflicts that arise and either promote growth or signify termination. Moreover, based on our own self concept and self-esteem coupled with our interpersonal communication skills, we can either handle these conflicts effectively or not handle them at all. There are many different avenues that we can take to approach managing relationships and conflicts effectively where all parties included feel they have gotten their issues expressed, their points accepted, and a resolution in tow.
The life quotient consists of body, intelligence, emotions, will-power, and spirit. When all five of these elements are in place, working in tandem, and synchronous then can life truly be in total balance. Among these elements, one lies in the middle and serves as the “keystone” element. Emotions are the red blood cells of interpersonal communication. Just as red blood cells are responsible for transporting nutrient rich blood away from the heart and bringing nutrient lacking blood to the heart to be replenished, so are emotions responsible for transporting our thoughts and feelings from our minds, converting them into emotions or action, and relaying them to those who are to receive them. They play a very important role in making or breaking our day, repairing or damaging a marriage, and influencing a split-second decision to start or end a war. There are no good or bad emotions; there are only good and bad ways of expressing or acting on them. Emotions take on the actions that we give them and we often make the mistake of allowing them to influence us too much and thereby cloud our rationalization which leads to conflicts and improper management of our relationships. How you react to a situation emotionally is in fact a choice to show who you are. Though emotions encompass every part of our lives and are connected to every statement we make, they are most prevalent in relationships and conflicts among individuals.
Emotional intelligence and relationship management go hand in hand because relationship management is one fifth of emotional intelligence. Our driving purpose in life in general is to build strong, healthy, effective relationships. In order to manage relationships, we must be able to manage our own emotions before engaging in a relationship. There are different types of relationships but there are two general types that stand out among them; personal and business. In managing business relationships, the traditional view was that emotions should be left at home or at the door because they were debilitating and very distracting in cultivating partnerships as they fostered a sense of weakness and submission. Today, individuals partaking in business relationships realize that emotions are often times more important and powerful in building a foundation than intellect and utilizing them, as opposed to suppressing them, alerts them to crucial dangers that could cripple the organizational and corporate structure. In managing a business relationship, one must cultivate as many positive feelings instead of ignoring them. If people are angry, anxious, or depressed their work suffers regardless if the emotions are suppressed or emoted. They can’t think as clearly when it comes to ideas, take in information as fully when it comes to receiving instruction, or respond as effectively when they’re upset.
Personal relationship management is an area where everyone should pay attention to and strive to make better. We must not confuse the ‘management’ term with ‘manipulation’ however despite the fact that many people in relationships benefit from doing this. There are many different aspects that one must focus on and pay attention to. Your thoughts and what you say, communication, play a pivotal role in relationships; emotions, more often than not, are slaves to those thoughts. Unfortunately, we are slaves to our emotions and because of this we sometimes feel a certain way even when we don’t want to. To get over this we must begin to monitor our self-talk and empathize with others in addition to getting smarter in our approach to expressing emotions and handling conflicts; we must build our emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize what feelings are appropriate in a given situation and the skill to communicate those feelings effectively. The first step is emotional awareness—the ability to know what we are feeling and why we are feeling that way. Our emotional awareness helps us to know and accept ourselves but we must build upon this awareness daily in order to become more aware of our emotions and always share our feelings with those we do engage in relationships with. Emotional regulation deals with how well you are able to manage your emotions under pressure. Motivation, the third step, translates your drive to transform negative thoughts and conflicts into positive ones. Empathy is the capacity to recognize others’ emotions and respond to them genuinely and sympathetically. Social skills, the final core trait, are the ability to interact well with others in communication, teamwork, and trust.
Another way to manage a relationship or a conflict is to allow yourself time to cool off before interacting with others. This will allow you to bring the true emotions to mind and decide why these emotions are present. Doing this allows you to take a mental inventory of the things that are necessary to ensure a smooth progression of thoughts, feelings, and actions in order to get reciprocation of those things from others. More often than not we simply want to get our point across without worrying about what another individual says or how they feel. Because of this, emotions get ramped up because neither person is concerned about resolving the conflict but simply overpowering the conversation because their emotions got the best of them and became debilitative. When engaging in a relationship or conflict we must always be mindful about identifying our emotions, the first guideline for communicating emotions effectively. This will help you avoid mixed emotions that can prevent you from using the best language possible to express a clear and concise thought. When choosing the most beneficial language, you are able to recognize the differences between your true feelings and if you should act on those feelings which cause facilitative emotions.
When individuals form a relationship, there are many other things that sometimes take precedent over emotions. Because of this, there seems as if there is never a “right time” to express your feelings and truly get to the root of whatever problem may be bugging you. This causes conflict, feelings to be over or understated, and an argument ensues causing the true purpose of the conversation to be forgotten and a focus on the actions that one’s emotions have created to be brought into question. Have you ever had a conflict with someone and immediately were blamed or placed blame on someone else? This is because we expect others to understand how we feel and discount their own feelings on account of us. This would be a very possible thing if everyone could empathize with the emotions of others by being mindful of their own emotions in past situations and applying how they handled them to their present conflicts.
As humans, we rarely will take fault for something even if it is explicitly evident that we are at fault. We will place blame on another and say that an action they displayed was the reason for reactive action or emotion on our part. We already know what perception is and how it influences our thought process and how we think we are perceived by someone else. Perception goes hand in hand with emotions and communication because these elements either help or hinder a relationship or conflict—one must own one’s feeling and hold themselves accountable for any actions, feelings, or words that develop within the “world” of the conflict. After all, no one makes you feel the way you do, you choose to feel that way according to how you feel about yourself and how much you allow another’s emotions to influence you. Our emotions give us information about what we are experiencing and teach us how to react to a conflict in a more self-accepted way, but they are rendered useless if we don’t pay attention to what causes us to feel the way we do.
A very positive way to manage conflicts is to know what your emotional triggers are before even engaging in them. Consciousness of emotions helps you to channel them appropriately. Reflect on what really ticks you off and identify if there is a recurring pattern to this behavior. Identify what the recurring trigger is and determine what is behind the trigger that causes you to blow a gasket. One of my emotional triggers is set off when a person does not say “thank you.” The emotion that I display is anger but the emotion behind this trigger is a feeling of inadequacy in the fact that what I did was not good enough to warrant expressed appreciation. Triggers can sometimes take the form of other feelings because we don’t want to disclose how we truly feel. These triggers can be fear, loss of control, anxiety, or insecurity all posing as anger or depression. Finding why we allow ourselves to mask our true emotions can truly be cathartic and can aid us in breaking poor emotional response patterns.
One interesting aspect of managing relationships and how emotions play a big part exists between men and women. It is quite evident that gender and culture are two influential variables in managing conflict. The way a conflict is resolved is not at the discretion of a single person but is determined by the influence of both parties manipulating one another as they form a relational conflict style. Though there are exceptions to the rule, the vast majority of men and women communicate the way they do because of societal expectations, social norms, and environmental upbringing.
According to Dr. Leslie Owen-Wilson, “men who are high in emotional intelligence are socially poised, outgoing, and not prone to fearless or worried rumination. These same men have a capacity for commitment, take responsibility, and are very caring and sympathetic in their relationships. They are rich in emotional life, comfortable with who they are, and others.” These men are more suitable to handle a conflict or a relationship issue positively by looking at the causes of the conflict, a forecasted outcome, and the process it takes to get there. Despite the fact that men are taught to “toughen up” and tend to transfer their feelings into anger at the expectation of society, emotionally intelligent men are more refined and apt to exude the most appropriate emotion in a conflict. By contrast, Owen-Wilson states that “emotionally intelligent women tend to be assertive and express their feelings, including anger, directly … they feel positive about themselves and life holds meaning for them. They are gregarious and express their feelings appropriately, rather than in outbursts they later regret, and adapt well to stress while being comfortable enough with who they are to be playful and spontaneous.” If you pay attention to the social norms of men and women you will see that both sexes are not “trained” in the most beneficial way from birth. As a result of this, interpersonal communication suffers, self-esteem is lowered, emotions cannot be truly distinguished, and the overall life quotient becomes imbalanced. These hindrances make it hard to manage relationships and conflicts.
In a perfect world, there would be no need to manage relationships and there would be no conflicts, because everyone would operate on a metaphysical level with each individual knowing to avoid saying or doing anything that incites a conflict. Since we don’t live in that perfect world, we must use the skills necessary to foster and cultivate relationships and resolve conflicts on our own on an emotional level to be able to speak about them on a communicative level. Emotional intelligence, like any other aspect, can be taught and learned and the skills are embedded within us upon acquiring them. Managing relationships effectively with the proper emotions will allow a relationship to blossom and the spores of that blossom will spread to others who you engage in relationships with.
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