How to Manage Relationships/Conflicts: An Emotional View

     Managing difficult relationships and conflicts in life can, at the time, seem like the most horrible thing in the world. It’s only horrible because, believe it or not, we are more peaceful than violent and we crave healthy and positive relationships with very minimal conflict. There are many different types of relationships that we enter into and within those relationships there are conflicts that arise and either promote growth or signify termination. Moreover, based on our own self concept and self-esteem coupled with our interpersonal communication skills, we can either handle these conflicts effectively or not handle them at all. There are many different avenues that we can take to approach managing relationships and conflicts effectively where all parties included feel they have gotten their issues expressed, their points accepted, and a resolution in tow.

     The life quotient consists of body, intelligence, emotions, will-power, and spirit. When all five of these elements are in place, working in tandem, and synchronous then can life truly be in total balance. Among these elements, one lies in the middle and serves as the “keystone” element. Emotions are the red blood cells of interpersonal communication. Just as red blood cells are responsible for transporting nutrient rich blood away from the heart and bringing nutrient lacking blood to the heart to be replenished, so are emotions responsible for transporting our thoughts and feelings from our minds, converting them into emotions or action, and relaying them to those who are to receive them. They play a very important role in making or breaking our day, repairing or damaging a marriage, and influencing a split-second decision to start or end a war. There are no good or bad emotions; there are only good and bad ways of expressing or acting on them. Emotions take on the actions that we give them and we often make the mistake of allowing them to influence us too much and thereby cloud our rationalization which leads to conflicts and improper management of our relationships. How you react to a situation emotionally is in fact a choice to show who you are. Though emotions encompass every part of our lives and are connected to every statement we make, they are most prevalent in relationships and conflicts among individuals.

     Emotional intelligence and relationship management go hand in hand because relationship management is one fifth of emotional intelligence. Our driving purpose in life in general is to build strong, healthy, effective relationships. In order to manage relationships, we must be able to manage our own emotions before engaging in a relationship. There are different types of relationships but there are two general types that stand out among them; personal and business. In managing business relationships, the traditional view was that emotions should be left at home or at the door because they were debilitating and very distracting in cultivating partnerships as they fostered a sense of weakness and submission. Today, individuals partaking in business relationships realize that emotions are often times more important and powerful in building a foundation than intellect and utilizing them, as opposed to suppressing them, alerts them to crucial dangers that could cripple the organizational and corporate structure. In managing a business relationship, one must cultivate as many positive feelings instead of ignoring them. If people are angry, anxious, or depressed their work suffers regardless if the emotions are suppressed or emoted. They can’t think as clearly when it comes to ideas, take in information as fully when it comes to receiving instruction, or respond as effectively when they’re upset.

     Personal relationship management is an area where everyone should pay attention to and strive to make better. We must not confuse the ‘management’ term with ‘manipulation’ however despite the fact that many people in relationships benefit from doing this. There are many different aspects that one must focus on and pay attention to. Your thoughts and what you say, communication, play a pivotal role in relationships; emotions, more often than not, are slaves to those thoughts. Unfortunately, we are slaves to our emotions and because of this we sometimes feel a certain way even when we don’t want to. To get over this we must begin to monitor our self-talk and empathize with others in addition to getting smarter in our approach to expressing emotions and handling conflicts; we must build our emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize what feelings are appropriate in a given situation and the skill to communicate those feelings effectively. The first step is emotional awareness—the ability to know what we are feeling and why we are feeling that way. Our emotional awareness helps us to know and accept ourselves but we must build upon this awareness daily in order to become more aware of our emotions and always share our feelings with those we do engage in relationships with. Emotional regulation deals with how well you are able to manage your emotions under pressure. Motivation, the third step, translates your drive to transform negative thoughts and conflicts into positive ones. Empathy is the capacity to recognize others’ emotions and respond to them genuinely and sympathetically. Social skills, the final core trait, are the ability to interact well with others in communication, teamwork, and trust.

     Another way to manage a relationship or a conflict is to allow yourself time to cool off before interacting with others. This will allow you to bring the true emotions to mind and decide why these emotions are present. Doing this allows you to take a mental inventory of the things that are necessary to ensure a smooth progression of thoughts, feelings, and actions in order to get reciprocation of those things from others. More often than not we simply want to get our point across without worrying about what another individual says or how they feel. Because of this, emotions get ramped up because neither person is concerned about resolving the conflict but simply overpowering the conversation because their emotions got the best of them and became debilitative. When engaging in a relationship or conflict we must always be mindful about identifying our emotions, the first guideline for communicating emotions effectively. This will help you avoid mixed emotions that can prevent you from using the best language possible to express a clear and concise thought. When choosing the most beneficial language, you are able to recognize the differences between your true feelings and if you should act on those feelings which cause facilitative emotions.

     When individuals form a relationship, there are many other things that sometimes take precedent over emotions. Because of this, there seems as if there is never a “right time” to express your feelings and truly get to the root of whatever problem may be bugging you. This causes conflict, feelings to be over or understated, and an argument ensues causing the true purpose of the conversation to be forgotten and a focus on the actions that one’s emotions have created to be brought into question. Have you ever had a conflict with someone and immediately were blamed or placed blame on someone else? This is because we expect others to understand how we feel and discount their own feelings on account of us. This would be a very possible thing if everyone could empathize with the emotions of others by being mindful of their own emotions in past situations and applying how they handled them to their present conflicts.

     As humans, we rarely will take fault for something even if it is explicitly evident that we are at fault. We will place blame on another and say that an action they displayed was the reason for reactive action or emotion on our part. We already know what perception is and how it influences our thought process and how we think we are perceived by someone else. Perception goes hand in hand with emotions and communication because these elements either help or hinder a relationship or conflict—one must own one’s feeling and hold themselves accountable for any actions, feelings, or words that develop within the “world” of the conflict. After all, no one makes you feel the way you do, you choose to feel that way according to how you feel about yourself and how much you allow another’s emotions to influence you. Our emotions give us information about what we are experiencing and teach us how to react to a conflict in a more self-accepted way, but they are rendered useless if we don’t pay attention to what causes us to feel the way we do.

     A very positive way to manage conflicts is to know what your emotional triggers are before even engaging in them. Consciousness of emotions helps you to channel them appropriately. Reflect on what really ticks you off and identify if there is a recurring pattern to this behavior. Identify what the recurring trigger is and determine what is behind the trigger that causes you to blow a gasket. One of my emotional triggers is set off when a person does not say “thank you.” The emotion that I display is anger but the emotion behind this trigger is a feeling of inadequacy in the fact that what I did was not good enough to warrant expressed appreciation. Triggers can sometimes take the form of other feelings because we don’t want to disclose how we truly feel. These triggers can be fear, loss of control, anxiety, or insecurity all posing as anger or depression. Finding why we allow ourselves to mask our true emotions can truly be cathartic and can aid us in breaking poor emotional response patterns.
One interesting aspect of managing relationships and how emotions play a big part exists between men and women. It is quite evident that gender and culture are two influential variables in managing conflict. The way a conflict is resolved is not at the discretion of a single person but is determined by the influence of both parties manipulating one another as they form a relational conflict style. Though there are exceptions to the rule, the vast majority of men and women communicate the way they do because of societal expectations, social norms, and environmental upbringing.

     According to Dr. Leslie Owen-Wilson, “men who are high in emotional intelligence are socially poised, outgoing, and not prone to fearless or worried rumination. These same men have a capacity for commitment, take responsibility, and are very caring and sympathetic in their relationships. They are rich in emotional life, comfortable with who they are, and others.” These men are more suitable to handle a conflict or a relationship issue positively by looking at the causes of the conflict, a forecasted outcome, and the process it takes to get there. Despite the fact that men are taught to “toughen up” and tend to transfer their feelings into anger at the expectation of society, emotionally intelligent men are more refined and apt to exude the most appropriate emotion in a conflict. By contrast, Owen-Wilson states that “emotionally intelligent women tend to be assertive and express their feelings, including anger, directly … they feel positive about themselves and life holds meaning for them. They are gregarious and express their feelings appropriately, rather than in outbursts they later regret, and adapt well to stress while being comfortable enough with who they are to be playful and spontaneous.” If you pay attention to the social norms of men and women you will see that both sexes are not “trained” in the most beneficial way from birth. As a result of this, interpersonal communication suffers, self-esteem is lowered, emotions cannot be truly distinguished, and the overall life quotient becomes imbalanced. These hindrances make it hard to manage relationships and conflicts.

     In a perfect world, there would be no need to manage relationships and there would be no conflicts, because everyone would operate on a metaphysical level with each individual knowing to avoid saying or doing anything that incites a conflict. Since we don’t live in that perfect world, we must use the skills necessary to foster and cultivate relationships and resolve conflicts on our own on an emotional level to be able to speak about them on a communicative level. Emotional intelligence, like any other aspect, can be taught and learned and the skills are embedded within us upon acquiring them. Managing relationships effectively with the proper emotions will allow a relationship to blossom and the spores of that blossom will spread to others who you engage in relationships with.

Self Esteem, Self Concept, a Young Black Girl: A Glass of Big Deal

Douglas Firebaugh once said, “belief has the word 'lie' in it...and that pretty much sums up what the world has us believing about ourselves.” The world around us, specifically the society we live in, contributes to the external release of feelings and the internal struggle that we go through in our lives. These feelings and struggles and how we handle them are a direct response to and side effect of our self-concept and self-esteem. Self concept is a self description based on how you perceive yourself. It asks you: “who do you think you are?” It spans the facets of our uniqueness, our abilities, and is changeable. The self concept gauges your knowledge, though right or wrong, of yourself. The strength of your self concept relies on how much you reflect on your self, behavior, and actions. Self esteem is a self evaluation that is rooted in our self concept. It is your self worth based on your perception of appearance and talents. It is not what you think you know about yourself, but is the attitude that you have toward yourself. It is a designation you give yourself that lives within the spectrum of negative and positive. Your self-esteem determines if you think your successful or not, pretty or unattractive, and so on.

Despite the fact these two terms are different; they are similar to each other in the fact that self esteem branches from self concept. Moreover, these two terms are similar because they make you think about who you are and how you feel about that designation and ties them together to form the “you” you feel exists. Self concept and self esteem are both reflective, meaning you must not only pay attention to your inner feelings, but also the feelings of those around you, from other people and the environment, and analyze what you deem as true or false about others’ perceptions about you, for they assist in shaping who you are. “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung could not have said this better and this quote really put into perspective how essential feedback from others’ around me influenced the amount of satisfaction or disdain that I had for myself. If I didn’t have these external stimuli to rely on, would I have a fully developed self concept of myself? Would my self esteem be considered high or low? I feel that it would be difficult to ascertain being I had no one to compare myself to and no one to give me feedback which would result, not in equilibrium, but an absolute zero concept of my perceived self. I would not know how I feel or who I am or why I felt this way or if I did, it would be a skewed partially created and blurred image. I like to think of this absence of feedback as one would think about being alone in space. It is dark and empty thus I would never know if I’m moving forward or backward, up or down, linear or circular because there are no points of reference that I could rely on to make a sound inference about my speed, motion, or distance. The same applies to the need for us to have opinions, or feedback, from others or at least imagine how we are thought to be perceived by them to, in effect, raise or lower our self esteem and bolster or lessen the image of our self concept. People always make the statement: “don’t judge me,” yet to judge someone is the only way to make sense of who they are and ultimately the person being judged is molded into the person they are because of this. The fact of the matter is judgment contributes to our esteem.

Though there are certain similarities that group self concept and self esteem together, it can also be said that there are distinct differences between the two terms that allow them to function individually as well. In contrast, the biggest difference between self concept and self esteem is the incorporation of feelings. Self concept is strictly analytical and provides you with a more informational sense of who you think you are. Because of this, you are given a more rational idea of yourself. When it comes to your self esteem, this is more influenced by external stimuli and, thus, causes you to judge yourself based on those stimuli and your internal feelings of your value or worth. The feelings that you have from the feedback that you get from others are added to your “esteem buckets” and are weighed to make you feel a certain way toward yourself. It makes sense that majority of the factors that contribute to our self esteem come from outside factors. I think back to when I was younger and how I was treated in middle school. I was a well liked, mildly popular, and intelligent student with a big personality and numerous talents (such as a great singing voice, poetic mind, and athletic capabilities) which earned me respect by my peers. If I was asked to now, I could write down verbatim some of the things, good and bad, that were said to me and about me. The list of good things would outweigh the bad and I feel, partly because of this, I am the way I am because I had a more positive experience in the years of my life where image and perception were beginning to be of the utmost importance. In addition to that, I had a mother who encouraged open communication and nurtured my feelings and reciprocated compassion and love wholly.

My grandmother, as I'm sure many other grandmothers, would always tell my siblings and me “it ain’t what people call you; it’s what you answer to.” When I was younger I didn't understand for the life of me what she meant however, now that I’m older, I am able to deduce what that, at one time very vague statement, meant. People can call me stupid all day, but it is only when I answer to that term that it validates the feelings and perceptions that I may have for and about myself and confirms to them the type of person that I am. I may not be stupid, but I’m obviously not smart or assertive enough to express to them that I’m not. At that point, I have added their opinions to my negative “esteem bucket” and weighed down its load which in turn lowers my self-esteem. My niece is 17 years old and, like so many young girls, has self-esteem issues. What was interesting to me is that, according to Dr. Robin F. Goodman of the New York University Child Study Center, 75% of young girls at age nine love how they look, but that percentage sharply declines to 55% when they turn 12 and decreases even more once they reach their teens. “Being that self-esteem comes from within and is borne in us at childhood, it’s a long process to correct and if it decreases sharply during adulthood, it can lead to many dangerous and reckless behaviors such as alcoholism, drugs, and promiscuity,” Goodman states. This makes all the more sense for my niece who experienced a lack of encouragement, inspiration, and insight in her childhood. I was able to sit and chat with her about this and from her perspective the media contributed to the way she felt about her self, however the vast majority of her low self esteem was attributed to the fact that she never had open and endearing communication with her parents, lacked positive role models, and had no point of reference as to who she could emulate.

According to Jim Liebelt of Crosswalk.com, “Girls are craving better communication with adult figures as they struggle with challenges in their lives. The top wish among 70% of girls is for their parents to communicate better with them, including more frequent and more open conversations, as well as discussions about what is happening in her life.” For my niece, it was much harder to love and accept who she was because at a very young age she was given toys such as Barbie, that she idolized but could never live up to. Liebelt also mentions the importance of fathers reaffirming beauty in their girls. “Dads have so much potential power to influence [their daughters’] self-esteem, their independence, and their healthy body image.” Since many girls grow up and marry men, it’s important for them to have that acceptance from their father to remain confident with their husbands. They aren’t as prone to fall victim to their husbands’ words if they feel their wives has put on a little weight or look a little older. That impression their father gave them of themselves stands strong and deeply roots their esteem with their internal strength. Some girls don’t have that influence, however. They are taught to love fantasy but live in reality. What you love and aspire to be must be real to you, someone you can strive to be without plastic surgery, chemicals, and money involved. Self-esteem seems to be heavily dependent upon family and friends contributing to the perception or self concept of who we are. Because my niece didn’t have another female figure there to empower, encourage, and empathize with her, she looked elsewhere to find validation. That validation came from television, radio, and the internet and turned her into a self-hating sponge. Not having any black or Samoan role models introduced to her early on and not having her mother there to help boost her esteem, she looked to the most popular and iconic symbol of beauty at the time. After speaking with her, more in depth, about it I feel that she now knows where to draw inspiration from, who to talk to, and how to deal with the negation that the media sometimes exudes. She, of course, won’t be “cured” next week. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was her self esteem. This is the good thing about self esteem, it is ever changing according to the people we surround our self with and the type of environments we expose ourselves to. There is hope for this young girl with a fruitful future yet.

The self concept is a very powerful ideal. It is the framework of our mind and blueprint for our morals and personality and contributes to every sense of who we are to our selves and to others. The very fact that something intangible has so much weight on our overall self is insane to me. It influences so much of whom we are and the most amazing thing is the very people in power back them and those of today that shape our world and make game changing decisions, do so on the premise of their own self concept and self esteem coupled with those that surround them. Think about it: had Abe Lincoln not have been as honest as a president, devoted as a husband, and inspiring as a father, the Emancipation Proclamation may not have seen the light of day. If his parents and their parents and their parents didn’t preach about respect for others and remaining strong in your convictions, his morals may not have been the same as they were when he took the presidency which could have led to a totally different outcome for world that we live in today. Fortunately, for us, we can all now learn about these fantastic concepts that contribute to our individual make up and hopefully take what we learn about ourselves, impress those things on our offspring, and create a world that is both receptive and enduring not through billion dollar companies and powerful armies but through million dollar smiles with our children and priceless communication, empowerment, and conversation with and about the amazing people that are “us.” I wanted to end this post with a bang so here it goes...BANG!

Office Etiquette 101: Am I the Only One Who Took This Course?

For the many of us who wake up at 7AM and drag ourselves into work at 8AM, we know all too well the many personalities, attitudes, and problems that come along with working in an office setting. I, for one, have recently been exposed to this and have not had any luck changing this negative perception. The worst thing of it all is that people don't hold themselves accountable for their actions, words, or mistakes. If you work in a small office it seriously screams "heightened stress level." Everyone wants to be the boss, everyone knows everything, everyone is never wrong but you, and yet when a big problem arises, you can never find anyone. Add to that, the fact that many of the people you work with may get paid more than you to do less work without even touting one or two notable degrees. I hate dislike the fact that the hierarchy is not well defined and the people at the top have no clue how they got there.

Aside from the many issues you may face at work, none really compares to the little things that people do to irk you, anger you, and just turn your overall pleasant day into a horrible one. I'll start with common things in a small office type setting where there are no "closed" sections. These are some of the things I, and close friends, have noticed in our work settings and wanted to post as a disclaimer to the oblivious culprits.

1. Manners 101

          Many people learn at a very young age the right and wrong accepted and inappropriate behaviors at home, work, and among guests. At work, however, you should not take it upon yourself to dig in your nose and attempt to shake your coworkers hand as if they didn't notice you "digging for gold." Secondly, there is no need for incorporating your reckless behaviors, such as smoking, dipping, or drinking into your work regimen.That should be done on your break, not while you are doing paperwork at your desk. When a coworker is on the phone, there is no need to try and get their attention by waving, hissing, or talking louder than them. They probably do hear, but realize that the money they are making on the phone is more important than the noise you are making to get their attention.No one wants to hear your burps or the odoriferous smells of your flatulence, by the way. If you ate Mexican food for lunch, then take a Beano before you plunge into that fajita plate. Also, there is no need to establish a "farting duel" between you and another coworker. We are not 12 anymore and that always put you and everyone in the office in a stinky situation (pun intended).One that grinds my gears the most is simply saying good morning and good bye. Why on earth would you come to work everyday and see the same people and not tell them good morning or at least reciprocate it when they say it to you? It boggles my mind, how people were brought up to not say these things. Maybe since the world has become so enamored with technology and communication through such human interaction has been put on the back burner. Literally everyday I walk into work and tell my secretary good morning. She never responds or even smiles to show she heard me but just looks at me and turns around. The weird thing about it is I get a text message 15-20 minutes later from her saying good morning and asking if I have anything I need to mail off. WTH?? By the way, you may curse like a sailor, but keep in mind we are on land and far from any ships that are about to set sail. Keep the profanities to a minimum. I don't feel there is anything going on in the world that requires you to use the F-bomb that many times in a day.

• Compliment your coworkers on their efforts
• Say please and thank you when you need something or when something is done for you
• Strive for accuracy and clarity in communicating
• Understand that you are not the only one in the office so bodily ejections should be kept to a minimum
• Make certain that you are considerate of your volume and the subject matter of your conversation
• Sexual humor in the workplace is both offensive and derogatory

     2.  Cleanliness 101

          I never understood why grown adults rely on others to do things for them. Cleaning up after yourself was taught in grade school and the fact that today a man of 30 or even 60 relies on others to clean up after him is ridiculous. When at work, if you decide to bring your lunch, please be sure to clean up after yourself. When I say yourself, I mean to clean up around the areas of your mouth and your hands in addition to anything that may have gotten on your shirt. The worst thing is to have John Doe come back from the lunch area to his office and he stops to chat with you and ends up making a sexual joke while there is a dollop of mayonnaise at the corners of his mouth (barf alert). In addition, you should clean up your area--not by brushing all the bread crumbs off the table onto the floor--by using a rag and cleaning the table in addition to any utensils you may have used. Furthermore, if I have to go to your office, I should not smell the atrocious aroma of the McDonalds hamburger you ate a week ago. Dump your trash or find the partially eaten burger that is buried under your papers. That is disgusting and I'm sure is some type of bacterial hazard. I do not want to see mustard or ketchup stains on the paperwork that you and I worked on together. That makes me look bad. There should not be piece of shredded lettuce being pulled off your desk by worker ants. If there are more than 3 flies flying ONLY around you, then I suggest you use the shower in the work bathroom to clean up a bit.

• Be fresh--shower at home daily
• Clean up your mess
• Wash your dishes
• Pay attention to the things you eat and leave at your desk
• Don't work on important projects while eating sloppy joes

      3.  Smells 101

          Okay, I think that this deserves its own number.  Smells, Aromas, and Scents have long encompassed the office--sometimes scents and smells from 10 years ago just linger within the walls. I have a very sensitive nose and because of this I smell everything that is out of place and out of date. People need to be more considerate in the workplace when it comes to scents especially if they are within close quarters. My office is fine but it seems someone is always in it or passing by it very often. Some of my coworkers smoke, drink work out, and love cologne/perfume. One thing that I cannot deal with is if you walk in the door smelling like you are a Pall Mall cigarette. That is so terrible. The worst part of it all is they don't realize the smell because they have gotten so used to it. The same goes for alcohol. If you are drinking alcohol before you come in to work because you hate your job, the problem is not your job. I do not and cannot deal with you coming into my office and leaning over me and inebriating me with just the scent of the vodka you just consumed. I never understood for the life of me why people don't take baths. If it's not against your religion or you're not allergic to water, you should be dosing yourself with a little H20 and Ivory soap. Those smells are distracting and quite unprofessional. If you don't like the smell what makes you think that I would? If you go to the bathroom and nature is calling, please be sure to end the call by wiping yourself thoroughly and washing your hands to ensure nothing is left behind. Once you see poop on a human, that's probably like the worst thing you can ever see! Lastly, if you love White Diamonds or Chanel No. 5, that is perfect but don't drink the perfume and let it seep slowly through your pores and stink up the office. Too much of a good thing is bad!

• If you're a smoker, let the smoke air out of your clothes before coming back into the office
• If you're a drinker, try not to drink before you come to work. Seek help if you have to drink to get through work
• There is no need to cut your tea or coffee with a little vodka, just drink a Red Bull
• Be considerate of your coworkers and keep your body odor neutral
• Cologne and perfume is to be used to make you smell good and appealing, not as a soap
• If someone tells you that your scent affects their allergies, don't wear it again

These were some of the major don'ts in the office. If you deal with this on a daily basis, it's time to confront the very people who are responsible for this obstruction of etiquette. In order for us to work efficiently and enjoy our work, these hazards must be taken care of. Ring the alarm and announce the issues you have at work! Silence rarely opposes an issue, it simply justifies its continuance to remain as is. I wanted to end this post with a bang so here it goes ... BANG.

Shrthnd iz da Nu Amrcn Englsh

OMG.
STFU.
LMAO.
KMSL.
WTF.
TTYL.
LOL.
WYD.

OK. Seriously? I am getting so upset with everyone short handing everything. What happened to simply writing in a normal way? We learned it in school and had no problem at that time but why is it when we get on the internet or write a text or email, all of our coveted writing skills go out of the window? I'm sure that none of the vast majority want to become stenographers so I feel we should cool it with the shorthand and use it only in necessary situation. It gets quite annoying when you are reading a text message and you see no true words but just bunched up letters.

A friend of mine sent me a text message saying: "Hey. WYD? I'm KMSL at UToob. Like WTF? LoL!" Of course it was early Saturday morning when I got the text message so I was a little disoriented and at first thought it was a dream and I was on another planet because I couldn't make out anything that was written. Once I was able to discern what was written, my next thought was who watches Youtube on a Saturday morning? Are there no cartoons for people to watch anymore and why are you even texting me this? I was so frustrated, I didn't respond.

This shorthand stuff also can be confusing to those who weren't born into it. Take for instance my godmother. She is in her mid-60's and still has a flip phone with no internet and 450 minutes allotted per month. She got a text message saying that one of her distant cousins had passed away. Obviously feeling a since of remorse and a want to comfort the individuals on the other end of the phone since she couldn't physically be there, she sent a reply text saying "LOL." When she told me this, I literally choked on my food. I explained to her that LOL was not something that you say in a situation of anguish, sadness, or pain. She responded that she saw it on a greeting card and thought it meant "Lots of Love" so she sent LOL in the text. I was further agitated with the fact that, she, someone who grew up having to write on parchment paper with quills (joking) would have such difficulty calling them or sending a text with real words to show how she felt and to express condolences.

I've been a guilty party in this as well but not to the extent of my messages coming out looking like secret codes but on occasion I may type the ever popular and thrifty LOL or OMG. I never take it to the extremes of using it all the time and in every facet of my life.

I'm taking this interpersonal communication course for school and we have a discussion forum where we talk about different forms of communication and how it affects us personally and when we dialogue with someone else. The moderator of the form was explicitly clear in ensuring there are no grammatical, tense, or punctuation errors being we are college students (studying to earn a Master's degree or a second degree) and we are mature enough to write in a professional and concise manner. The subject was about perception and how we perceive people, institutions of laws, or even personalities. I wrote my post and got some replies from others who either disagreed or agreed for different reasons. One reply really stuck out and though I will not cite it or include the full text, you will get an idea of why we should decipher the correct times to use short hand:


                     "Ur post on perception wuz gud but I thnk that u should not take it srsly LoL. BTW, if you thnk about how it wud have been bck then u wud realize that ppl are not the same LOL. When I first red ur post I wuz liiiiike WTF but I understnd na. Lol."

This was only part of a two paragraph reply that struck me more as elementary. I thought at first that some of the words were typos but when I realized that every word was spelled the same way, I knew it was because they were taking shortcuts. This baffled me because the professor set clear guidelines and expectations about this. They complained to the professor that this was their thoughts and thoughts can't be graded.

One can only think how this is going to progress. I've seen shorthand on resumes and on research papers that I have proofread for my peers. I just don't understand how people don't realize how big of an injustice they are doing to themselves and to the reader and moreover to the content of the text. We were taught to understand words in their whole form and to utilize them as such in order to have deep, profound, and efficacious communication. I'm not saying that our form of written communication shouldn't change and grow, I'm simply saying that the several forms should be used in their respective venues. 

I feel that it is necessary to teach the youth about the importance of this. They are the ones who are utilizing text messaging more heavily and defining it as their first line of communication aside from direct face to face communication. Our goal should not be to stop the use of shorthand, but to educate on the proper use of it.
One thing is for sure, I'll never look at LOL the same again. Lol.

I wanted to end this post with a bang so here it is... BANG.

Pop the Molly, You'll Die...Maybe.

Trinidad James: I stopped fu***** with Mary today and it sucks

(f***) but there's a new girl in the neighborhood, you can call her Molly

Trinidad James: Pop the Molly I'm sweatin', woo!

Rick Ross: Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it

I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it

Kanye West: Something about Mary, she gone off that Molly

Tyga: And I can't seem to findMolly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly

Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly

These are just a few of the lyrics that have created and glorified Molly, a seemingly harmless and trendy drug that is all the rage among the hip-hop front runners, adults, and kids alike. It's mere presence in pop culture has left a very bad taste in the mouths of many, literally.

I came across this today as I was watching the morning news. I had just came back from my morning run and decided to turn on the tube. The first thing I see and hear is about Molly. Now I am not oblivious, I have heard the name before but I honestly felt that it was just a passing trend of some new alcohol or some stripper turned celebrity. As the newscast pointed out people, especially children, die from this drug. I listen to rap, but not the kind of rap that objectifies women, glorifies drugs and alcohol, or impresses upon someone to be angry and fight just for the sake of doing it. 

There were 3 or more children (between 16-20) that died this weekend from this drug. Add that number to a staggering 5-10 individuals per month since the inception of Molly. Those numbers are just the ones that are reported to news agencies. There was an 18 year old girl who was in rehab, as the story pointed out this morning, to kick an addiction from Molly. 18 years old? You should still be popping Flintstone vitamins, not Molly. This goes to show you that it's important to know what is going on in kids' lives and not only that, parents need to constantly and OPENLY talk to them about outside influences, health factors from smoking, alcohol, and other recreational drugs, and making informed decisions as young adults.

This ever present Molly is actually MDMA, the purest form and successor to the drug Ecstasy. There are no fillers, which is why it's so easy to overdose from it. Many college students and even high school students sell and use the drugs and it is really popular at parties, private gatherings, concerts, and music festivals dedicated exclusively to the bite sized capsule. Put it this way, if there was Molly at the original Wood Stock, I'm more than sure that many of us would not be here today. I shuddered to think that this stuff is being sold at school campuses and my own niece who is high school came to mind. Had she been asked about it? Had she been told false information about how wonderful it is? Had she taken it? These days, there is very little peer pressure for drugs, sex, and alcohol because, thanks to rap and pop culture, it's what is cool and we all know it's about being cool or at least perceived as being cool in high school! Because Molly is embraced by many popular artists, the only pressure is felt by those who are trying to stop a seemingly addictive trend of epic proportions and cut down on its popularity. To make things worse, the pill isn't just a pill anymore. Sellers have gotten innovative and have started putting the powder in candy and even crystal form.

I don't know about you, but you might want to make sure that the Jolly Rancher you are eating, is in fact JOLLY and not MOLLY. It's so crazy to me that something like this is being promoted and glorified as it is. A couple of days ago, I was at a gas station one day getting some snacks and heard two young men with a little boy of about 7 or 8 talking about getting Molly. I was surprised to hear them talking about this in such detail, but I was just flabbergasted at the fact they were discussing this with such a young child with them. They planned to go and get some Molly after they left the store. They cracked a joke about selling "the little boy in case they didn't have enough dough." Really?

Needless to say I did turn around and gave them the worst glare that I could muster up in the little time I had in the checkout line (I didn't care if I got shot) and I had to say a little prayer when I got in the car because I was madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory. 

When will this end? The constant uprising of new, dangerous, and "hip" drugs? I suppose the correct question to ask is why are we allowing this to even begin? We have a responsibility to those that we care for to ensure that they are not put in harms way and don't fall victim to wolves in sheep's clothing. Everything that does glitter isn't gold; I know: cliche, cliche, cliche. However, everything that is gold doesn't glitter either. What we must enforce and reinforce is that everything good to you isn't good for you. We must create value in the things that are positive, fruitful, and admirable and expose those that we care for, specifically the youth, to those things in order for them to stray away from those things that are malevolent, damaging, and deadly.

All in all, we need to crack down on who and what influences children. My mommy always said that the worst thing you can do is be an enabler to your children. They equate that to you being their friend. You need to be the parent and you need to right the wrongs in your children's lives whether they like it or not. You never stop being a parent, so that means you don't stop listening, disciplining, inspiring, and setting examples. You're children don't need to be like you, they need to be better than you. In life, you only get one shot if you aren't a parent. If you are then you get as many shots for as many children you bring into the world. They are to become better versions of you, so raise them to be so. They are your second chance to right what went wrong in your youth.

Rappers who promote Molly and make it sound so amazingly wonderful that you just can't help yourself from trying to find Molly and allow "her" to further tempt you into being a part of a moment of nostalgia and pleasure, should be shunned for this. This is a craze that once found, leaves you feeling lost. Molly is definitely not the "girl next door" that you may think. She is a clever and tawdry little pawn in the game of quick money and long term suffering. I don't remember ever being influenced by anything or anyone negative in my life or I just may not recall because the positive forces in my life kept my focus where it needed to be--in my books and in church. These days, everything is connected--to the internet. Therefore, you know longer need encyclopedias and thesauruses because everything can be found, bought, sold, and saved online. This is great until it starts becoming abused or misused. What can we do about this? Get your arses off of Facebook and put your child's face in a book. Cutting off ties with the connected world and instilling the values and bonds that are necessary to avoid Molly are within you and your family; it's in the household. 

The battle is never over because just like this started, it shall end and before you know it Molly will be "Audi 5000" and the self-proclaimed Sarah may take her place. Nonetheless, it's time for a real life Hunger Games to ensue and we need to be gunning for Molly's head.

I wanted to end this post with a bang, so here it is... BANG.

Being Country in the City

With the craze of shows like Duck Dynasty and Swamp People, you can' t help but fall in love with the "down home," vivid, and over dramatized characters that make the show. They make you exclaim, "they are not serious!" The crazy thing is, that's how it is in the south. Being a country boy, I can't tell you how fun it was to run barefoot in the rain, make mud pies, stand in the big ditches and catch tadpoles, climb the pecan trees, eat crawfish and shrimp until I burst, and camp out in our big backyard. People who grow up in the south, more precisely country towns, have a natural affinity to nature and animals. It's much more comforting to be outside doing something and enjoying your land rather than inside watching the tube all day. Many country towns are living museums in their own right. They create backdrop of what once was innovation in our society. At one time they were at the forefront of modernism.

This was our idea of fun. There was such a simplistic view of things back at home in the country living the country life. All those memories culminated into a mental buffet that will keep me full until I take my last breath. I can't imagine how I would be if I didn't have such a carefree upbringing! My grandfather had a farm that had every animal. Chasing the chickens, being chased by the geese, running with the cows, running from the bulls,and of course trying to catch rabbits! When we got hungry, there was no McDonald's because we had a farm "E I E I O." We ate off of the land that we tilled. 

As I got older, I realized that I stopped having that fun. I no longer sat outside and looked at the clear night sky with its never ending stars twinkling within it. I didn't want to drink fresh made lemonade on the porch in the rocking chair in the summer. I didn't want to run around the big magnolia trees smelling the sweetly scented petals that adorned the grown below it. I just wanted to do what everyone else did and surround myself with television, electronics, and the internet. It seemed that as my youth and innocence began to disappear, so did my high regard for country living.

Once I got into college, I tried to stay away from my hometown as much as I could. I would shudder when people asked where I was from because for some reason, in school, people thought that folk from country towns didn't know how to conduct themselves in big cities or get along with city folk because thy weren't necessarily the "sharpest tools in the shed." I realize now that I could easily prove them wrong by telling them that a well-versed and well-cultured individual like myself was born and raised in a country town. I always considered myself well-cultured because my mother ensured that I was exposed to a myriad of things in life--her goal for my siblings and me were to be cultural chameleons. Nonetheless, telling your peers you were from a small "town" with a population less than that of the university you were attending was a bit embarrassing. Then you would hear the incessant jokes about in-breeding, one toothed, fast talking inhabitants and I was none the impressed with it.

I live in a big city now: Houston, TX which is still in the south and has a rich heritage of cowboys, rangers, and trail rides in its own right but has grown to envelop that culture along the others that have sought home within its boundaries. The most diverse city, the New York of the South, is one that I call home now. I've only been here a year and my slight "twang" still hasn't faded so the natives can point me out like a watermelon in a cherry patch. It's okay now, however. Being from the country is "sexy" and "cute" and people just love country folk these days. They want to know the recipes, the line dances, and of course they want to party with the best of them. I've learned to embrace where I'm from; those were my humble beginnings which gave way to a confident present where instead of shunning who I was, I praise what where I'm from taught me. The stories I have are the best entertainment for my friends who are city folk.

They encompass many different cultures and creeds and we can share so much of ourselves by enlightening one another on where we come from. Of course you have to get used to not drinking liquor in unopened containers on the street, popping fireworks in many residential areas, not violating the noise ordinance because of the domino and card games, and of course not having that "authentic" good food that you were brought up on. When I think of home, I think of Steel Magnolias with much stronger accents and a less regard for fashion but everyone sticks togethers, loves each other, and wants to simply live a happy life.

Here in the city, it's about staying fit, staying connected, staying successful, and staying in the know while back at home it's about making it to the Bingo hall on time on Tuesdays to get a good seat. Still, I am enjoying what I am learning and seeing here. This experience lets me know that there is much more out there and keeps me focused on being a part of it. I know now that it's true that you can be country in the city,however you can't really be city in the country--weird huh? 

The next time you want to take a vacation, DON'T think big, think country: go to a small town and truly relax. Enjoy the fresh air, southern hospitality, the splendor of simplicity, the good eating and plentiful drinking. You won't be disappointed and the worst thing that could happen to you is that you have fun doing something and being somewhere you haven't been before. Paris, Tokyo, Milan, and Rome will always be there when you get back.

I wanted to end this post with a bang so here it goes... BANG.

The Realization of Life

Everyone has had a dream or aspiration when they were younger to do something or be someone they saw on television or heard on the radio or saw their parents do, right? We all have! It's apart of the American dream, right?

I was thinking about that this morning as I was eating my turkey bacon while simultaneously scraping the bits of waffle from my waffle maker and watching the news. I dreamed of being a meteorologist. I was always fascinated with that name and always loved astronomy; that was until I realized that meteorologists didn't really have much to do with meteors or comets or the cosmos. When I discovered that they were responsible for predicting the weather, that dream transitioned into a nightmare. I was already terrified of lightning, tornadoes, hail, and hurricanes! Ix-nay on meteorology. 

As I got into the age of being able to fully rationalize and understand the terms that I spoke of, I realized I had a penchant for performing. My mom and friends realized it too and it apparently was innate and pre-dated meteorology in terms of interest. I was always around different genres of music but none more than Gospel and R&B. On Saturday morning, it was all about chores. I always had to take out the trash and wash the dishes, my eldest sister always had "something to do" away from home, and my youngest sister was oblivious to everything but still succumbed to cleaning as well. I would be awakened to the scents of Fabuloso, Comet, and Pine-Sol while being serenading back to sleep by the sounds of Patti, Gladys, Sarah Vaughan, and Aretha. I loved the music and to see my mom dance with the broom in her hand snapping her fingers and two-stepping like she was at a personal concert but that still didn't make it better because I had to clean! That is until she would lower the volume and make me sing. I would sing like in front of Aretha herself and the feeling I got was just amazing. These performances spilled over onto gatherings, random days, and holidays! I realized I had a knack for it and I loved the attention. On Sunday mornings, it was bliss! Listening to Shirley Caesar, the Clark Sisters, Yolanda Adams, and the Georgia Mass Choir. Those were the days! We had to get up for church but there was always the best breakfast (my Mommy can cook) which would give you the -itis and you ended up sleeping in the last pew at church anyway! WIN-WIN! 

Back to the lesson though. All those memories are great memories (even the chores) because they included music and the people I loved most, which was at the forefront of my passions even at a young age. I continued singing (never took voice lessons and rarely sang in church because the adult choir always trumped the kids' choir) and strengthened my voice and everyone's faith in me to live my dream. Fast forward through many singing contests, high school musicals, and random bouts of song to August 30, 2013 at 7:00A. That's when that thought hits me and I ask myself: Am I where I want to be, doing what I need to do? I purposely added "need" to that question because you can only be your greatest self if the things in life you set out to do are essential and ultimately a need for you to find fulfillment. I literally stopped scraping the waffle iron and had a piece of bacon between my lips. I knew the answer but that wasn't the problem. The problem was if I said the answer or even thought of saying the answer, then the things that I have done, though short of where I "needed" to be, would make me feel inadequate in a sense.

At the age of 26, I wanted to not only be acting and singing and reciting poetry, but be doing so on a grand level with celebrity status and NO student loans because I was able to pay them off with having such a successful career of course. At this age, I wanted to be truly happy doing something I love. The reality became clear and bleak! I really did want to cry and I fought back the urge to do so or to feel sorry for myself (you should have seen it, this was Oscar-worthy) because even though I was "successful" in the eyes of society, I wasn't successful in my own (the most important ones). Well I went back to eating my bacon and cleaning up my morning mess and, as usual, I bounced back and realized that I may not be where I need to be but I have today and the day after to make this happen. I still needed to be thankful for the opportunities that I have been given and where I was in my life at this point. I realize that I take things for granted and I am not grateful until a moment like that happens or I see something on the television like those God-awful PSA commercials for neglected animals and the kids in Africa.

I realized that many Americans are ungrateful sons of guns! So many holidays are commercialized and it seems many don't know the true meaning of them. I volunteer at the Y sometimes and had a conversation with some children recently about holidays and their meaning. Some of these came from them. Easter is about a bunny and eggs, Halloween is about candy and costumes, Labor day is about a day off to do nothing but BBQ, Thanksgiving is about turkey, and Christmas is about spending outrageous amounts of money on gifts, lights, and trees that don't even grow in our area. It's wonderful that during these holidays we enjoy the customs and traditions set forth by others in the days of yore, however it important to instill in the children the true meaning and history behind what we are celebrating. We should celebrate our Independence Day by popping letters in the mail to soldiers fighting for our country and our freedom and by popping chickens in the oven to sit down with our families and reflect on our freedoms, not pop bottles and fireworks. There are so many places where there is no freedom--not even a freedom to think for yourself--and women and kids are seen as inferior. There are still places where you can't love who you want to love or be what you want to be. The dreams and aspirations we have stay as they are and rarely become realities because we are so lax and complacent that someone else will make them happen for us or we just label them as impossible because we don't want to sacrifice. The older I get, the more I realize that if I didn't have it as well as I do, I would be a better person and be more thankful. Don't get me wrong, I have worked hard to earn the things that I have and have no one for assistance in doing so but this is because I was raised that way. If I truly had it hard all my life and didn't get scholarships to school, didn't have a caring and supportive mother and family, lived below the poverty line and had no reference of what success was or no one to encourage me, then to be where I am today would make it all the more worth it to keep climbing and to do the things that I always wanted to but couldn't.

That, my dear bloggers, is the realization of life. It comes in spurts and unfortunately only lasts long enough to keep our attention until the commercial ends and Breaking Bad or the Real Housewives comes back on. I don't know about you but I want to be remembered, I want to have a legacy. Making our dreams come true doesn't involve anything but our imagination and being creative to make our images real. If you are reading this, reach back in that memory bank of yours and pull out your oldest dreams and make them possible! Ms Hepburn said it best: "Nothing is impossible, it says so in the word, IM-Possible!"

This Labor day weekend won't be for a 3-day weekend of booze and barbecue with the slightest inkling of why I'm off for an extra day. It will be to take my unemployed friend out for dinner, rehearsal for a production that will further advance me to the front of the line for my turn at being a superstar, a nice discussion with the kids at the Y about the true meaning of Labor Day, and quality time with my brother and my pup Aidan Cade (the best rat terrier on this side of the Mason Dixon line). You should do the same or at least urge someone else to do the same. Realization of something doesn't come from living your life everyday, it comes from everyday not living the dreams you first created to make your life great and get you where you need to be to become your greatest self. I told myself I want to end this blog with a bang so here it goes... BANG.

The Detox Method

Have you ever felt like you needed to just get rid of things, people, and even memories from your life? Don't lie. I know you have. It's a normal and healthy process. It's just like spring cleaning. Quite frankly, if you don't then you would be considered a hoarder and we have all seen how they turn out to be. I felt that way yesterday and so as an introductory welcome I want to talk about that. It ties in to wanting a new beginning and starting a new beginning, in life, in mind, and in blogging.

About a month ago, I was scrolling through Pinterest (my guilty pleasure) liking and pinning recipes and wellness posts when I came across this article about detoxing. At first, I shamefully admit, that I thought this had something to do with someone who had been exposed to kryptonite and needed to be detoxified at an undisclosed location in the Arizona desert however, upon further review, I realized that this was just what I needed. I clicked on the post and read through it. It seemed easy. It chronicled how to execute a successful detox process which will rid your body of unwanted toxins in your own home with very simple and inexpensive items:

• Epsom salt which replenishes magnesium levels and aids in creation of proteins in the joints
• baking soda which has great cleansing abilities and anti-fungal properties
• ground ginger which increases heat levels and stimulates the sweat glands
• aromatherapy oils which have therapeutic properties

I decided I might as well give it a try. I gathered up my ingredients, filled up the garden tub, popped in a Maxwell CD, turned off the lights, and lit up a BBW chamomile candle. I stayed in the tub for 45 minutes (thank you Siri for timing me.) After 5 minutes I began to sweat, A LOT. It was crazy! I kept my eyes closed and I could feel the constant beads of sweat jumping off my forehead (I swear I heard one scream "CANON BALL!") Any who, I really began to feel relaxed and noticeably better than when I first got in. It was hard to finish, though! 45 minutes in darkness with only candle light and soft music ends up not being so "nice" for many of us especially myself. I kept moving and shifting. It almost seemed like I was in a hyperbaric chamber. It's not that hard to really "lose your mind" if you just let go. To have to go through that seemed more like torture than a therapeutic cleansing. I basically had to focus on thoughts of my youth to get through it and once I found something to latch on to it was easy. The next thing I knew, I was gasping for air because I dozed off and slowly slid under the water! I gained my composure, laughed it off and finished my detox.

I must say that  this was something that I didn't expect. When I got out of the tub, it felt like a spiritual catharsis and I had to write about this. However, where would I write about it? Myspace is practically non-existent, Twitter was too short, Facebook was too self-absorbed, Instagram was obsessed with memes, and email (well who reads that?) I decided I should try a blog. A new beginning in a seemingly "new body" should yield a new beginning on yet another social networking medium where I can express my thoughts in paragraphs rather than characters and Emoji.

Seriously, however, this really made me think about how we experience new beginnings all the time. We are always reorganizing, rejuvenating, reinvigorating, and rethinking the concept of ourselves. We mark those moments with a new hair cut, a new wardrobe, a new significant other. Every little change that makes us feel differently and stay feeling that way qualifies us as having a new beginning. It's quite amazing! Who says we can't be reborn? The detox flushed out the things in my body that were making me sick, stressed, and less productive which made me feel like a new and improved person. Well an improved person. How can something be new AND improved? Today I feel totally different in a good way, like I could conquer the world if it weighed 20 lbs. less than me kind of way.

Today, as I stare at this 23' computer screen, I see the same things with the same eyes that I have seen Monday-Thursday however I approach them differently. I'm more attuned, vested, and attentive to what I'm seeing and how I respond to it. It could be that detox is, simply put, a placebo. A process that I initiate that gives me the moxie to complete it and feel differently after it's done. Who cares, though? A load of rubbish or not, I do feel differently and I encourage you to do the same. Feel differently about everything. When we feel differently about something or look at it from a different perspective we get to be someone else and think like someone else because it's not how we normally think and perceive things. This enriches the bond that we have with our other earthling counterparts. Interesting huh? Not as interesting as the Icicle of Death, but nonetheless it does carry some weight.

Though we always say we want to sit and ponder and reflect on the things that we need to add, subtract, and clear from our lives, have you ever tried doing so? Really, have you tried sitting down at the kitchen table or lying in bed and really reflecting without the distractions of cell phones, tablets, TV, radio, or another person? It's really hard! Even with all those distractions not there to distract you, we find it difficult to stop thinking about those distractions or simply wander away from the topic at hand because we are too connected to technology or we are scared to go to that place of self-discovery. There are many ways to detox and I for one feel that this should be a necessary routine in every one's life. Hmmm. This would make for a great play. Any who, here is to the completion of my first blog. I want to end my very first blog with a bang and I intend to do so, so here it goes... BANG.