Self Esteem, Self Concept, a Young Black Girl: A Glass of Big Deal

Douglas Firebaugh once said, “belief has the word 'lie' in it...and that pretty much sums up what the world has us believing about ourselves.” The world around us, specifically the society we live in, contributes to the external release of feelings and the internal struggle that we go through in our lives. These feelings and struggles and how we handle them are a direct response to and side effect of our self-concept and self-esteem. Self concept is a self description based on how you perceive yourself. It asks you: “who do you think you are?” It spans the facets of our uniqueness, our abilities, and is changeable. The self concept gauges your knowledge, though right or wrong, of yourself. The strength of your self concept relies on how much you reflect on your self, behavior, and actions. Self esteem is a self evaluation that is rooted in our self concept. It is your self worth based on your perception of appearance and talents. It is not what you think you know about yourself, but is the attitude that you have toward yourself. It is a designation you give yourself that lives within the spectrum of negative and positive. Your self-esteem determines if you think your successful or not, pretty or unattractive, and so on.

Despite the fact these two terms are different; they are similar to each other in the fact that self esteem branches from self concept. Moreover, these two terms are similar because they make you think about who you are and how you feel about that designation and ties them together to form the “you” you feel exists. Self concept and self esteem are both reflective, meaning you must not only pay attention to your inner feelings, but also the feelings of those around you, from other people and the environment, and analyze what you deem as true or false about others’ perceptions about you, for they assist in shaping who you are. “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung could not have said this better and this quote really put into perspective how essential feedback from others’ around me influenced the amount of satisfaction or disdain that I had for myself. If I didn’t have these external stimuli to rely on, would I have a fully developed self concept of myself? Would my self esteem be considered high or low? I feel that it would be difficult to ascertain being I had no one to compare myself to and no one to give me feedback which would result, not in equilibrium, but an absolute zero concept of my perceived self. I would not know how I feel or who I am or why I felt this way or if I did, it would be a skewed partially created and blurred image. I like to think of this absence of feedback as one would think about being alone in space. It is dark and empty thus I would never know if I’m moving forward or backward, up or down, linear or circular because there are no points of reference that I could rely on to make a sound inference about my speed, motion, or distance. The same applies to the need for us to have opinions, or feedback, from others or at least imagine how we are thought to be perceived by them to, in effect, raise or lower our self esteem and bolster or lessen the image of our self concept. People always make the statement: “don’t judge me,” yet to judge someone is the only way to make sense of who they are and ultimately the person being judged is molded into the person they are because of this. The fact of the matter is judgment contributes to our esteem.

Though there are certain similarities that group self concept and self esteem together, it can also be said that there are distinct differences between the two terms that allow them to function individually as well. In contrast, the biggest difference between self concept and self esteem is the incorporation of feelings. Self concept is strictly analytical and provides you with a more informational sense of who you think you are. Because of this, you are given a more rational idea of yourself. When it comes to your self esteem, this is more influenced by external stimuli and, thus, causes you to judge yourself based on those stimuli and your internal feelings of your value or worth. The feelings that you have from the feedback that you get from others are added to your “esteem buckets” and are weighed to make you feel a certain way toward yourself. It makes sense that majority of the factors that contribute to our self esteem come from outside factors. I think back to when I was younger and how I was treated in middle school. I was a well liked, mildly popular, and intelligent student with a big personality and numerous talents (such as a great singing voice, poetic mind, and athletic capabilities) which earned me respect by my peers. If I was asked to now, I could write down verbatim some of the things, good and bad, that were said to me and about me. The list of good things would outweigh the bad and I feel, partly because of this, I am the way I am because I had a more positive experience in the years of my life where image and perception were beginning to be of the utmost importance. In addition to that, I had a mother who encouraged open communication and nurtured my feelings and reciprocated compassion and love wholly.

My grandmother, as I'm sure many other grandmothers, would always tell my siblings and me “it ain’t what people call you; it’s what you answer to.” When I was younger I didn't understand for the life of me what she meant however, now that I’m older, I am able to deduce what that, at one time very vague statement, meant. People can call me stupid all day, but it is only when I answer to that term that it validates the feelings and perceptions that I may have for and about myself and confirms to them the type of person that I am. I may not be stupid, but I’m obviously not smart or assertive enough to express to them that I’m not. At that point, I have added their opinions to my negative “esteem bucket” and weighed down its load which in turn lowers my self-esteem. My niece is 17 years old and, like so many young girls, has self-esteem issues. What was interesting to me is that, according to Dr. Robin F. Goodman of the New York University Child Study Center, 75% of young girls at age nine love how they look, but that percentage sharply declines to 55% when they turn 12 and decreases even more once they reach their teens. “Being that self-esteem comes from within and is borne in us at childhood, it’s a long process to correct and if it decreases sharply during adulthood, it can lead to many dangerous and reckless behaviors such as alcoholism, drugs, and promiscuity,” Goodman states. This makes all the more sense for my niece who experienced a lack of encouragement, inspiration, and insight in her childhood. I was able to sit and chat with her about this and from her perspective the media contributed to the way she felt about her self, however the vast majority of her low self esteem was attributed to the fact that she never had open and endearing communication with her parents, lacked positive role models, and had no point of reference as to who she could emulate.

According to Jim Liebelt of Crosswalk.com, “Girls are craving better communication with adult figures as they struggle with challenges in their lives. The top wish among 70% of girls is for their parents to communicate better with them, including more frequent and more open conversations, as well as discussions about what is happening in her life.” For my niece, it was much harder to love and accept who she was because at a very young age she was given toys such as Barbie, that she idolized but could never live up to. Liebelt also mentions the importance of fathers reaffirming beauty in their girls. “Dads have so much potential power to influence [their daughters’] self-esteem, their independence, and their healthy body image.” Since many girls grow up and marry men, it’s important for them to have that acceptance from their father to remain confident with their husbands. They aren’t as prone to fall victim to their husbands’ words if they feel their wives has put on a little weight or look a little older. That impression their father gave them of themselves stands strong and deeply roots their esteem with their internal strength. Some girls don’t have that influence, however. They are taught to love fantasy but live in reality. What you love and aspire to be must be real to you, someone you can strive to be without plastic surgery, chemicals, and money involved. Self-esteem seems to be heavily dependent upon family and friends contributing to the perception or self concept of who we are. Because my niece didn’t have another female figure there to empower, encourage, and empathize with her, she looked elsewhere to find validation. That validation came from television, radio, and the internet and turned her into a self-hating sponge. Not having any black or Samoan role models introduced to her early on and not having her mother there to help boost her esteem, she looked to the most popular and iconic symbol of beauty at the time. After speaking with her, more in depth, about it I feel that she now knows where to draw inspiration from, who to talk to, and how to deal with the negation that the media sometimes exudes. She, of course, won’t be “cured” next week. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was her self esteem. This is the good thing about self esteem, it is ever changing according to the people we surround our self with and the type of environments we expose ourselves to. There is hope for this young girl with a fruitful future yet.

The self concept is a very powerful ideal. It is the framework of our mind and blueprint for our morals and personality and contributes to every sense of who we are to our selves and to others. The very fact that something intangible has so much weight on our overall self is insane to me. It influences so much of whom we are and the most amazing thing is the very people in power back them and those of today that shape our world and make game changing decisions, do so on the premise of their own self concept and self esteem coupled with those that surround them. Think about it: had Abe Lincoln not have been as honest as a president, devoted as a husband, and inspiring as a father, the Emancipation Proclamation may not have seen the light of day. If his parents and their parents and their parents didn’t preach about respect for others and remaining strong in your convictions, his morals may not have been the same as they were when he took the presidency which could have led to a totally different outcome for world that we live in today. Fortunately, for us, we can all now learn about these fantastic concepts that contribute to our individual make up and hopefully take what we learn about ourselves, impress those things on our offspring, and create a world that is both receptive and enduring not through billion dollar companies and powerful armies but through million dollar smiles with our children and priceless communication, empowerment, and conversation with and about the amazing people that are “us.” I wanted to end this post with a bang so here it goes...BANG!